Article on Communication Skill Activity
Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. James 1:19-20
Someone once said that communication is more than merely talking; it is combining the power of words with the power of the ear to create a soul connection.
James the brother of Jesus gave us a very valuable teaching on effective communication. He said, "Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." Memorize this scripture. Commit to practicing this communication skill activity daily and I guarantee that your communication will improve significantly.
Great communication is essential to a great relationship. Therefore improving communication skills is the number one way to improve your relationships. When we are communicating well, we feel close and intimate. When we are not communicating well, we generally do not feel close and intimate.
The goal of communication is NOT WIN/LOSE!
The goal of good communication is to understand each other better and to create an experience for your partner of being understood and accepted.
Improve your communication by identifying your #1 Schema that's at work in your marriage relationship (i.e. I am rejected, I am worthless, I am unlovable, I am perfect, I must perform etc.) and intentionally put on a new schema (I am accepted, I am valued, I am lovable, I am not perfect, I can fail etc.)
Practice this communication skill activity:
1. Mirroring: Mirror back to your partner what you heard them say:
"I heard you say..."
"If I understood you correctly, you said."
"It sounds like you are saying..."
After you mirror back to them, get some feedback. Ask, "Did I get that right?"
Show an interest in wanting to understand the whole picture, ask, "Is there more you want to tell me?"
Repeat the mirroring process 2 or 3 times and then move on to validating.
2. Validating: Validating is seeing the world through your partner's eyes. That's how we show compassion, something everyone wants to experience from his or her partner. Validating is not agreeing, it is basically saying, "From your perspective, I can see why/how you would see it that way."
Validating sounds like: "I can see what you mean."
"I can understand where you're coming from."
"That makes sense to me because..."
3. Empathizing: Empathizing is a really powerful way of developing intimacy and again really conveying compassion to your partner. Empathizing requires you to verbally capture the emotion behind what your partner is saying and express it to him or her.
Empathy sounds something like: "You must feel..."
"That must make you feel..."
"I wonder if you feel..."
One major mistake that many couples make is fire hosing each other with too much information. Give bite size pieces of information. Don't rehash the whole history and all the details.
Use self-control and practice communication skill activities like condensing what you want your partner to hear. Use only 3- 5 medium size sentences at a time. If you have been talking for 1 minute it's time to let your partner respond. Use an egg timer if necessary.
Make time to practice this communication skill activity and watch your relationships improve and become more satisfying.
