Monthly Archives: February 2014

Communication Skill Exercises From the Bible

Communication SkillsThe Bible has much to offer in the way of communication skill exercises, particularly the book of Proverbs. In this article you will find some practical help on how to apply this divine wisdom from Proverbs to better your communication skills.

Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones (Proverbs 3:7-8)

Don’t Be Wise in Your Own Eyes

The first directive is “Don’t be wise in your own eyes.” What does being wise in your own eyes look like? This is someone who has already determined that they have the right or best solution to a problem. This person thinks highly of their own opinion and therefore does not really take time to listen to an opposing opinion. And if they do, they will often be arguing with the speaker in their head, preparing their rebuttal. This makes it nearly impossible to really hear the speaker and actually connect with them.

If there is someone in your life that you have communication problems with, a good communication skill exercise would be to simply practice listening to them. I say simply, listening is an active skill that requires self control, patience and love.

As you practice listening, you may find that you need to work on calming the dialogue in your head. Quieting your thoughts may be more difficult to do than listening. But if you practice this and become good at it, you will gain a major advantage in improving your relationships.

Communication Lessons from Proverbs

Pay attention and gain understanding. (Proverbs 4:1b) A great communication skill exercise is to pay attention to the communication skills of those you respect. Pay attention to what they do: how they speak, how they listen, what their body language is like, etc. Take time to intentionally practice with others what you observed.

Get wisdom…and she will watch over you…wisdom is supreme. (Proverbs 4:5-7) Don’t just observe people you respect, but be assertive…ask them to give you feedback on how you can improve your communication skills. Getting wisdom means being active in attaining it and then being intentional in applying it.

Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. (Proverbs 4:24) Another excellent communication skill exercise is to monitor your own speech. Have you ever listened to what comes out of your mouth? Is it full of grace and useful for encouraging others? Would you want those you respect the most to overhear your private conversations? Learn to use your words to bring glory to God every time you speak.

With persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk. (Proverbs 7:21) How do you use your words? Frequently, our words are used to manipulate and control others. Human beings have a strong independent and selfish streak in them. Think of little children who begin at a very young age to use their words to get what they want from Mom and Dad. Adults may be a little more sophisticated but the motivation is the same. Manipulation however is very detrimental to healthy relationships. Pray about this and ask God to show you whether you use your words to manipulate others.

The man of integrity walks securely…(Proverbs 10:9) Integrity, what a beautiful character quality. When we act with integrity we will have a clear conscience. A clear conscience is a valuable commodity! It doesn’t mean that we are perfect, it just means that we are acting with honesty and with the best interest of others in mind. When we act and speak with integrity we can walk with confidence. Having integrity will eliminate many unnecessary worries and feelings of guilt.

Proverbs tells us there are many benefits to seeking wisdom including good health! If you want to learn to communicate better, keep searching through Proverbs for more great wisdom and communication skill exercises.

 

Intimacy with God: Developing a Personal Relationship with Him

forestIntimacy with God is the sacred romance that we all long for. Yes, we ALL long for intimacy ~ many of us don’t realize it, because we have suppressed it. We have even neatly buried our need for satisfying and fulfilling human relationships under the rubble of “I don’t need people” or “relationships are too hard” type attitudes.

And sometimes it does seem easier to hang onto this type of attitude because the reality is our human relationships will at sometime, in some way fall short and disappoint us. It’s just inevitable with a sinful nature, albeit a nature that is being redeemed.

But, and now HEAR THIS loudly and clearly, God will never disappoint us. Although we don’t always understand God’s ways and we may not always like them, He is completely trustworthy because God is ALL He says He is. He is the GREAT I AM, He is THE PROMISE KEEPER, The Alpha and the Omega, The Ancient of Days and our heavenly Father.

But what does a personal relationship with God look like?

A personal relationship is an intimate relationship. Now I didn’t say a sexual relationship, I said an intimate relationship. Many people when they hear the word intimacy, the first thing they think of is sex. Which leads me to my next point, since many of us don’t have a good grasp on what it means to have an intimate relationship with a human being it stands to reason there would be some confusion about what a personal relationship with God looks like.

Here are some ideas about what a personal relationship with God might look like:

  • You want to be with God and spend time with Him and get to know Him better so you study His love letters to you.
  • Even though you can’t see God and you don’t audibly hear his voice that doesn’t hinder your relationship because you know He is ever present, and always listening.
  • You invite Him into every area of your life…you don’t exclude Him from ANYTHING you do!
  • You do this by speaking to Him conversationally in your mind and out loud with your voice…it’s called prayer
  • You trust Him with and talk to Him about your deepest needs, hurts, pain, shames, desires and dreams because you know He will NEVER reject you.
  • When you see His work in your life or other people’s lives you feel joy and happiness and you tell Him “thank you, thank you, thank you…I love you.”
  • You are compelled to adore Him. You think about how great and wonderful and awesome He is and you praise Him in your heart and out loud with your mouth, and sometimes spontaneously with psalms and songs of praise.
  • Because you love Him and He means the world to you, you talk about Him to your friends. You are not embarrassed to speak about Him or to let people know you love Him.
  • You honor Him by your obedience to His word because you are so thankful and grateful that He has forgiven you of your sins.
  • You want to please God in everything you do and you LEARN to trust Him with everything.
  • You confess your sin to Him and ask for help to turn away from your sinful ways. You welcome His loving discipline in your life.
  • You consciously and regularly acknowledge the reality that your relationship with God was birthed in you through the work of Christ on the cross, His resurrection, and God’s enabling you to respond in faith to that truth and the Spirit of Christ who came to live in you when you responded in faith.

Life is enriched

Intimacy with God is something that develops and matures over time as you INVEST in the relationship. It has seasons and colors and flavors to it like some of the other good things that life has to offer. Not that God can be compared to other good things life has to offer for He is transcendant in all His ways. We need not fear that our lives will become more mundane and the world around us less enjoyable as we yield to God and enter more deeply into that personal relationship.

This ultimate fulfillment and life satisfaction we each desire comes from only one Source, the wellspring of life that is a relationship with the Living God. It is this intimacy with God that also gives life and health to our relationships with others, especially those closest to us. Invest wisely in your relationship with God and you will be on your way to experiencing the greatest satisfaction life has to offer.

Reading and studying the the Torah (first 5 books Genesis -Deuteronomy) is a good place to start an intimate relationship with God.

 

Alcoholism and the Effects on the Family

depressed-manI am familiar with alcoholism and the effects on the family. I grew up in a family where there was much alcohol abuse. My family had alcohol abuse issues on both sides. Based on the More Bonuses and information given on this site, both my parents and grandfathers abused alcohol. Now, the problem has also effected my siblings. I, by the grace of God, left my alcohol abuse years behind. That was in my teens and early 20’s.

It’s not easy to forget the family memories however: The many ruined holidays, weekends and trips to camp. I remember hoping Christmas after Christmas this would be the one when Mum and Dad would not end up drinking and fighting.

The fear of my Dad becoming so drunk that it would kill him was also very intense. Due to his drinking, Dad would go into a type of asthma attack where he could not catch his breath. It was terribly frightening for a child. Then there was the fear of my friends seeing my parents in a drunken, arguing state. This was a source of shame and embarrassment to me as a teen. Because of their unavailability, I also began to turn to alcohol and other illicit activities to get my needs met.

On top of my parent’s drinking problems, my grandfather’s drinking also impacted our family. I loved that man. But when he drank, it was scary. Once he holed himself up in his house with a shot gun. Another time he fell down and nearly broke his nose. When he walked into our house all bloodied, I was terrified. My mother has told me stories which I shall not repeat.

So just from these few stories you can clearly see that alcoholism and the effects on the family can include: trauma to children, creating a fearful and unstable home environment, encouraging parentified children, and encouraging children to find solace in other people and things.

Another clear effect of alcoholism on the family is the tendency for the pattern to be repeated. The pattern may not only be repeated in alcohol abuse. The pattern can be repeated in other substance abuse issues as well as codependency which involves many dysfunctional family dynamics. Research shows a well defined tendency for alcoholism to run in families.

Continue to second page of effects of alcoholism…

10 Steps to Spiritual Discernment

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DiscernmentSpiritual discernment, that is how to make godly decisions and choices, discern good from evil, and truth from falsehood. Discernment is also a prerequisite for godly living and spiritual, mental, relational and emotional health. I’ll never forget the lesson relayed to me about a very prominent Bible teacher being deceived by a wolf in sheep’s clothing. The story was recounted at a conference where the Bible teacher was speaking.

Human Wisdom and Knowledge is Not the Equivalent of Discernment

This popular teacher was apparently persuaded by one of her “followers,” a new believer, to baptize her because of the tremendous impact her books and teachings had made on her life. This teacher, after much prayer, and godly counsel baptized the woman, only to find out later that the woman she baptized was a complete fraud. 1 Corinthians 2:13-14 tells us that spiritual things can only be discerned by the Holy Spirit.

No One is Immune From Deception
There is not one individual who is immune from deception, because Satan rules the world through a web of deception. Spiritual discernment, like wisdom, provides protection from his

The list below is one of the tools I use to help me rightly judge my own life decisions. Whenever there is a weighty decision before me, I get out my pen and paper and write out and pray through the answers to the following questions. You may come up with a few of your own to add to this list…

1. Is my mind renewed and conformed by God’s word? Having a renewed mind is an ongoing process, which requires consistently and earnestly seeking God through His word and prayer. Additionally one must actively reject being conformed to the patterns, influences and customs of the world. (Romans 12:1-2)

2. Does it line up with God’s Word? Discernment requires us to take our thoughts captive. That means we must look at our thoughts and hold them up to the light of God’s word. In other words, if I am discerning a new business or ministry idea, I must examine all my thoughts and ideas about it and consider whether each aspect of the plan is in line with God’s word. (2 Corinthians 10:4-5). The concept, ideas and motives cannot in anyway violate God’s word or moral law which was summed up in the law of love (Galatians 5:14).

3. Am I willing to say yes? Am I willing to say no? Until we are at the place where we are willing to say both yes and no to our dream, vision or plan we run the risk of being deceived by our own motives. God desires obedience to His word over the work of our hands (1 Samuel 15:22). If we are clinging to an idea or vision so strongly that we are unwilling to let it go then there is a good possibility that there is too much of “me” in the mix and therefore “me” will distort my understanding of the word and my sensitivity to the prompting of the Holy Spirit.

4. What do I stand to gain? Paul wrote in Philippians 3, “But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. There is always something to gain from what we do… even those things we do exclusively for God. It’s not that gain is wrong, but we must be discerning of our motives by identifying and facing them full on.

5. What do I stand to lose/sacrifice? Jesus said (Luke 14:28) we need to count the cost. The cost of following Him. He expects us to give it all up for Him even our family relationships must not get in the way of following Christ.

6. Whose approval am I looking for? Whose approval will I get? Galatians 1:10 states, “Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Having been made for relationship the fear of rejection and the need for approval are extremely strong, often unconscious, motivators in our lives. Our motives must be examined to ensure that what drives us is the approval of God not men.

7. Am I willing to try and fail? Success is God’s work. Our work is to believe in and to know the Lord Jesus Christ and the One who sent Him (John 6:29, 17:3). God calls us to step out and walk by faith not sight (2 Cor 5:7). Many times it “feels” like God is calling us to do a certain thing when in reality it’s just the thing He’s using to get us to step out…it is just a stepping stone to the ultimate destination. Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails. (Proverbs 19:21)

8. What will others gain? The second commandment calls us to love our neighbors as ourselves (Matthew 22:39). Others should benefit in some way from the choices and plans we carry out in our lives.

9. What feedback have I received from wise counsel? Proverbs 15:22 states, Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed and make plans by seeking advice (Proverbs 20:18). Many a young couple has entered into marriage against the advisement of their parents and other godly counsel only to discover down the road, they should have listened.

10. Is my greatest desire to see God glorified? Colossians 1:17 states, for by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. Because God deserves all the glory, honor and praise in the whole universe He commands us to do everything for His glory so …whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God (2 Corinthians 10:31).

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Christian Dating Advice from the Scriptures

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Christian Dating AdviceSingle Christians need Christian dating advice from the scriptures to guide them safely in relationships with the opposite sex.

The book of Ruth provides us with some of the best christian dating tips available. Click here to read about Christian dating advice from chapters 1-2 of the book of Ruth.

In chapter 3, the story begins to heat up a bit. Naomi and Ruth both realize that it is through the kindness of God that Ruth ended up in Boaz’s field. Boaz we find out is Naomi’s kinsman. According to Hebrew law the next of kin was responsible for redeeming the dead man’s property and widow…

But, it’s not just that Boaz is a kinsman that Naomi considers him for Ruth. Boaz is a man of godly character. She can in all good conscience encourage this union. Notice, they did not go out looking for a “kinsman redeemer.” They saw the hand of God’s providence and they acted consistent with what God was doing. Single Christians dating need to be in tune with the Providence of God.

Next, Naomi instructs Ruth in the ways of courtship. She tells her to wash and perfume herself, and put on her best clothes. Then go down to the threshing floor, where Boaz is working. She instructs her to not interrupt his work, nor his eating and drinking. “When he lies down,” she says, “go and uncover his feet and lie down.” Ruth answers, “I will do whatever you say.”

In these passages Ruth’s character continues to be revealed. Ruth is a lady who does not despise, but welcomes the mentoring and wisdom of her mother-in-law…

When Boaz awakes in the middle of the night and sees this woman lying at his feet, he could have taken advantage of the situation. But Ruth has already proven herself to be a woman of noble character. And Boaz has already shown himself to be a godly man. As an agent of God, he takes seriously his responsibility to protect Ruth. When Boaz asks “who are you,”…

She essentially says, “I remember your blessing and the many kindnesses you have shown me. I have seen God’s provision in my life through you. Now I am asking you to shelter me under your wings. I am asking you to pledge your faithfulness to me in a covenant of marriage.”

This scene, on the threshing floor, is a powder keg of passion that is ready to explode. It is likely that both Ruth and Boaz were experiencing a heightened sense of passion. Ruth is looking and smelling her best. The feelings that Boaz has kept hidden in his heart for Ruth have suddenly been ignited by her words and her actions.

In this very unusual scene, we don’t know why Naomi instructed Ruth to go lie at Boaz’s feet…but what we do know is…though Ruth was looking her best, she did not compromise Boaz by snuggling up to him. She lay at a safe place, at his feet. Like Ruth, Christian singles dating need to maintain healthy boundaries.

Their integrity and faithfulness to one another and to God was further demonstrated in their incredible self-control. They were both focused on righteousness and faithfulness. They were not out to enjoy just a moment of lustful pleasure. They were focused on entering into a covenant of faithfulness and righteousness that lasts a lifetime.

Selecting the right mate will affect the quality of the rest of your life. It is one of the most important decisions you will ever make. At Christian Counseling Online we are passionate about helping you have the best relationships possible by providing you with Biblical Christian dating advice.